Anxious Dungeon Mistress In Training

Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.
— Judy Blume

Starting new things can be terrifying for most people, anxiety turns that up to 100. However after months of listening to play podcasts like The Adventure Zone, Roll to Fail, The Broadswords, and ExQueerience Points I got one of my friends to listen to one. She loved it, got another of her friends, and now we’re starting our own D&D campaign.

Choose Joy

We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.
—Joseph Campbell

After the dark post yesterday I wanted to do something a little different. This was inspired by a podcast I listen to called Positiviteeny. To quote their tagline, “Messages of hope, support, and inspiration in 10 minutes or less”. I highly recommend it.

Forest Fires of the Mind

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.
-Fredrich Nietzsche

Does anyone else with anxiety and depression ever feel like their life has become the embodiment of this Nietzsche quote? I hope it’s not just me.

My Safe Harbor in a Storm

So have you ever been caught in a sea of despair?
And your moment of truth
Is the day that you say “I’m not scared”

Put your hands in the air
If you hear me out there
I’ve been looking for you day and night
Shine a light in the dark
Let me see where you are
‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind

If I told you that you’re not alone
And I show you this is where you belong
Put your hands in the air
One more time

–Unity by Shinedown

When I was a kid I didn’t have many friends, shocking I know. To this day I don’t have that friend who’s known me all my life, some family but no friends. I didn’t mind most of the time I had one hell of an imagination and when I wasn’t creating elaborate stories with my action figures I was losing myself in books, movies, or TV shows. Back then I didn’t have the internet to talk to other people about it so I simply enjoyed it alone in my room. I let those things take me away from the loneliness of my youth.

You Mean, You Can’t Read My Mind

Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghost of yesterday. Holding a grudge & harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul. Get even with people…but not those who have hurt us, forget them, instead get even with those who have helped us.
– Steve Maraboli

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
– Carrie Fisher

I don’t get resentment. I can’t help but feel it but at the same time, I realize it’s pointless. It’s the results of expectations not being met and a lack of communication. Both of these things I’m guilty of so really the only person to blame is myself. 

What I Still Need to Remind Myself of After 32 Years

And finally this question, the mystery of who’s story it will be. Of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things?

Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what’s real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we’ll die to defend? Who chains us? And Who holds the key that can set us free… It’s You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!

-Sweet Pea from Suckerpunch

This post was inspired after reading this one by Justin McElroy.

The Great Detangling of Grief

In the eye of a hurricane
There is quiet
For just a moment
A yellow sky

-“Hurricane” from Hamilton

It took me three days to start writing this post. I kept stopping myself either consciously or unconsciously because I’m in a place where my anxiety is winning. It keeps whispering that no one wants to read another post from me talking about my pitiful struggles and that the world is shit so shut up and get to work. I mean I know it’s only partially wrong. I can’t help anyone if I’m drowning. “Put on your mask before helping anyone else”, right? If me talking about this helps one person not feel alone then it’s worth it. If it helps me feel better that should also be worth it but hey baby steps.

Let’s Try Something New

Poetry is an act of peace.
–Pablo Neruda

Sorry I went quiet for a month. Life got a little… crazy. But here’s something a little different to make up for it.

What You Own

I think fandom gets mixed up into a thing where we want — or rather, demand — a thing be to our liking. Cooked and prepared in a way that we have already imagined it in our mind — we have pre-written the menu and expect a pop culture narrative to serve us our prix fixe dinner. …

So when STAR WARS dares to do something different — when it is, in effect, refusing your prix fixe expectations and instead going with omakase, chef’s-motherfucking-choice — you’re going to have a higher quotient of ACTUALLY MADE PEOPLE. Not just because it has defied their expectations, but also challenged them in a way where the film is literally disagreeing with some things you have taken in as strongly-held-beliefs. …

But fandom complicates that — especially a BIG BIG BIG FANDOM — because they accumulate ideas and view stories less like narrative trustfall exercises and more like pre-packaged history lessons. But stories are *always* trustfall exercises. It is literally our job as storytellers to *not be trusted* but, at the same time, to have *all the trust.* Which sounds paradoxical, but I mean it like this: you can’t trust us to do the thing you want us to do, but you must trust us to tell a great story anyway.
–Chuck Wendig (Truncated from a Twitter Thread that is gold and you should read if you’re a fan of stuff)

After my rambling post to nowhere last week I’ve been thinking about fandom or rather the dark side of it. Ever since I saw The Last Jedi I’ve been thinking about why fans of things feel like they own them or know the story better than their creators/writers.

Ramble

… Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
–  Reinhold Niebuhr

I used to be a pretty good planner. I could organize outings with my friends at least once a month with some or every weekend with others. I’m not 100% sure what changed in the last year but it has. I’ve gone from being a Remembrall to needing one, I keep saying I’ll plan something and either forget or it’s so very far out. All this to say at some point I’ve fallen into depression again.